A lot of men wonder whether wanting and/or having anal sex makes them gay. The short answer is no. There is no direct connection between what we do and who we are. Many (but not all) gay men have anal sex.

 Are Gay Men Gay Because They Have Anal Sex?

It is important to also realize that anal sex is not what defines a gay man. While many gay men enjoy anal sex, it is not simply the form of sex that they usually prefer. Instead it is having sex with men is that they like—not just having anal sex. So, if you are a straight man and you desire anal sex with a woman, does that make you gay? What if you want her to penetrate you analy? No. Simply put, you are attracted to women, so you are wanting straight sex.

Is There a Connection Between What We Do and Who We Are?

Most sexual scientists agree that there is not a simple relationship between what we do sexually (such as anal sex), sexual orientation, and our sexual identity (how we identify ourselves). Many agree that our behavior, identity, and orientation are basically fluid and can change throughout our life. This is all a way of saying that just because you desire anal sex now does not mean anything other than that you desire to have it now.

It is also important to know that whether or not you are gay, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. Perhaps you are gay, but not simply because you want anal sex. There’s also nothing wrong with being straight, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, etc.

Self-Knowledge Is Your Choice

It is healthy when you are open to asking questions about your own sexual desires, identity, and orientation. It may be a little scary to ask these questions, but it is the only way to learn more about yourself. If you would prefer not to know any more about yourself, that is also okay. However, if one of your life goals is to learn more about yourself and experience self-growth, self-knowledge is an important part of that!